What Not to Do When Your Child Has a Tantrum
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Insights from a Resilience-Focused Parent
We’ve all been there — red face, flailing arms, that loud, aching wail. Tantrums are a part of childhood, but how we respond to them shapes much more than just that moment. As a mother and a former senior leader now building my own company, I’ve come to appreciate the incredible overlap between emotional regulation in parenting and leadership.
In this post, I want to offer a simple, honest guide to what not to do when your child is melting down. These aren’t just personal observations — they’re patterns I’ve seen among parents who mean well but unknowingly add fuel to the fire.
🚫 What Not to Do During a Tantrum
❌ Don’t try to reason mid-tantrum
Your child’s brain is overwhelmed — logic won’t land. Save explanations for later when they’re calm.
❌ Don’t mirror their emotion
If they scream and you yell back, it doubles the chaos. Stay calm even if you’re boiling inside.
❌ Don’t bribe them to stop
Offering a cookie or toy to end the tantrum teaches them: “Tantrums get me rewards.” It’s a short-term fix with long-term cost.
❌ Don’t shame or threaten
Phrases like “You’re embarrassing me” or “Stop or I’ll leave you here” may stop the behavior temporarily, but they chip away at your child’s sense of safety and self-worth.
❌ Don’t take it personally
Tantrums aren’t an attack on you. They’re a signal your child feels powerless and is overwhelmed by big feelings they don’t know how to manage yet.
✅ Key Takeaways for Quick Reference
🧠 Tantrums are emotional overload, not defiance.
🛑 Avoid reasoning, bribing, shaming, or escalating — they don’t help.
🧊 Stay calm — you are the emotional anchor.
🧭 Wait for calm to teach — not during the storm.
❤️ Respond with structure and empathy, not control or fear.
The goal isn’t to stop tantrums instantly — it’s to model emotional steadiness and build trust over time. Children don’t remember every tantrum, but they remember how you made them feel while they had one.
Remember: regulation is contagious. Your calm becomes their calm.